For those of you who may not be familiar with Freedom Is Groovy and our story, Mr. Groovy and I are quitting our 9 to 5 jobs this week.
He’s a dead phone walking. My work phone, or Mr. Phone as I like to call him, has lost numerous appeals and has not been granted a stay of execution. Death by lethal sledgehammer is scheduled for Friday at 4:31pm EDT, sharp. Mr. Phone requested three Slim Jims, a bag of Cheetos, and a bottle of Dr Pepper for his last supper. He vowed to sing “Amazing Grace” when his execution is underway. I, Mrs. Groovy, will carry out the execution, with Mr. Groovy as a witness. I expect Mr. Phone to show no emotion. And I will show no mercy.
Of the many crimes Mr. Phone has been tried and convicted, the most serious offense is: Aggravated assault on brain cells. Other offenses include:
Aiding and Abetting Excessive Chit Chat
Disturbing the Peace
Criminal Trespassing on Private Property
Conspiracy to Take Up Too Much Space
As a telecommuter, my employer provided me with a land line, Mr. Phone. For ten years Mr. Phone has tormented me. His omnipresence in my bedroom puts a damper on every day. His installation caused the phone company to drill excessive holes in my wall that needed fixing. When Mr. Groovy and I put in wood flooring, Mr. Phone got in the way of the installation. Then he got in the way of the electrician we hired to get him out of the way—and the electrician nearly took out the entire local power grid.
Mr. Phone is also a loud static producer. During my weekly departmental calls I do pirouettes around my bedroom trying to get good reception. This excites Groovy Cat since he thinks the ultra long phone cord is his personal toy. I battle with a phone while fending off a cat so that I can get the latest updates on what’s happening in my organization (which doesn’t interest me in the least).
And then there are health issues. In addition to assaulting my brain cells, Mr. Phone gives me a crick in the neck during every phone call lasting more than five minutes—and YES, Ty @GetRichQuickish, I know there is such thing as speaker phone! But old habits die hard.
As for sleep—Mr. Phone has kept me up nights when I’ve forgotten to shut his ringer off. Must every European who has difficulty registering for a conference with my organization phone at 2 am?
Mr. Phone has also royally screwed me during long conference calls. For those marathon conversations I put Mr. Phone on mute in order to unobtrusively answer personal email and check FaceBook. On several occasions I’ve been engrossed in the latest Kardashian escapade, only to realize discussion has come to a dead halt. Then I hear someone say—
“Are you there, Mrs. Groovy?—Mrs. Groovy, what do you think? ”
“Shi*t!!! They’re waiting on me to say something brilliant!”
And try as I might, I can’t find the freakin’ button to unmute myself and join the conversation. While I frantically scramble, Mr. Phone watches passively with a sarcastic grin. And I know exactly what he’s thinking—he’s thinking “Maybe if you dusted me more often you might find the freakin’ mute button”!
Wanna hear how Mr. Phone plays tricks on me? He flashes familiar phone numbers across the caller ID screen and takes delight when I unwittingly pick up, and get assaulted by sales pitches. Fortunately, working from home allows me the privilege of hanging up on yammering salespeople without worrying about my boss bearing witness to my rudeness—except Mr. Phone happily points out my boorish customer service skills by memorizing each dang phone number. When I scroll through caller ID to find a phone number I need, I’m reminded of the imbeciles I put up with every day.
The execution will be carried out swiftly. Mr. Phone leaves no children or spouse behind, and he told his lawyer he has no last words he wishes to say. When he passes, he will join his siblings in hell or heaven—that’s not up to me. But I do believe he will end up in the same place as Mrs. FedEx Supplies—grand collector of dust mites, and Mr. File Folder—supreme keeper of useless paperwork.
Well my dearest Mr. Phone, it may be true that I would have had an easier time finding the mute button had I dusted you more often. But believe me—I have NO trouble finding the sledgehammer!
So dear Mr. Phone, let me ask you—are you sure I can’t get you anything more for your last supper to go with your Slim Jims, Cheetos and Dr Pepper? How about a nice big box of Red Hots candy?
And don’t forget to vote for our retirement theme song. Polls close Thursday at noon (EDT). Here again are the final nominees, ordered in their initial vote tally.
— Mr. Groovy (@FreedomIsGroovy) October 9, 2016
1. Born to Run, Bruce Springsteen
2. Already Gone, Eagles
3. It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere, Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett
4. It’s My Life, The Animals