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One of my go-to bloggers these days is Tonya from Budget and the Beach. She recently posted a fantastic yarn about a “dumb-ass” purchase she had just gotten roped into by some clever advertising. Yes, even the great ones make a financial faux pas every now and then. And I encourage you to read it, not because I want you to avoid Tonya’s mistake—although that would be a welcomed fringe benefit—but because Tonya wrote something that I found very inspirational. Here’s the pertinent paragraph from her post.
Today I had brunch with Linda, someone who is a friend of a friend, and she had very kind things to say about my blog. She mentioned one of the things she likes about my site is that I keep it real. Well Linda, this is about as real as it gets. lol! I may not always be perfect financially, but at least I’m honest [emphasis mine].
“I keep it real.”
“I may not always be perfect financially, but at least I’m honest.”
This is why I love Tonya’s blog. It’s written by a real human being who doesn’t have all the answers and who is just as upfront about her defeats as she is about her victories.
After reading this post, I did a lot of soul searching. Am I keeping it real on this blog? Do I only present the curated side of Mr. Groovy’s life—that is, do I only blog about the wonderful things happening in my life and omit the sordid things?
Well, in honor of Tonya, I’ve decided to disclose a very sordid problem that I and many others suffer in silence. It has to do with fecal matter and hair. Yes, the fabulous Mr. Groovy has a very troublesome dingleberry issue. That’s right. I’ll admit it. A feeling a dread washes over me every time a bowel movement beckons.
Now, having a dingleberry issue is a highly personal matter and doesn’t belong in a blog dedicated to personal finance. Or does it? I decided to “get real” and share my dingleberry issue with you because in the course of researching the interwebs for a dingleberry solution, I had an epiphany. Removing dingleberries from your ass is a lot like saving for retirement. Think I’m nuts? Here are five reasons that say otherwise.
How Saving for Retirement Is Like Removing Dingleberries from Your Ass
1. They Don’t Teach You How to Save for Retirement In School
My sex education classes in junior high did a great job of explaining how the onset of puberty would bring hair to areas of my body that were once hairless. But those sex education classes failed to address how that additional hair would complicate bathroom hygiene. In other words, not once in my formal education was dingleberry removal ever discussed. I had to learn about dingleberry removal on the streets. And God knows how many disasters that led to.
Hmmm? Okay, they don’t teach dingleberry removal in school. Is there another critical aspect of life that our schools fail to address? If you said, retirement, go straight to the head of the class.
Yep, like dingleberry removal, they don’t teach retirement basics in school. You’re on your own.
The good news is that many others have stepped in to fill the void left by the education establishment. Everything you need to know about retirement planning is just a mouse click away. The bad news is that the void left by the education establishment on the dingleberry front is still rather cavernous. When the heck is JL Collins going to write The Simple Path to Dingleberry Removal? And when the heck is Fritz going to launch The Dingleberry Manifesto?
2. Retirement Planning Isn’t Discussed In Polite Company
There are two things you never talk about in polite company—religion and politics. But what about dingleberries? When was the last time the topic of dingleberry removal came up during Thanksgiving dinner? Or on a first date? And what about retirement? Prior to marrying me, Mrs. Groovy had no idea I had a severe dingleberry issue and a severe lack of retirement savings. This nonsense has to stop. If we ever want to become the world leader in bathroom hygiene and retirement planning, dingleberry removal and retirement planning can’t remain taboo subjects.
3. Retirement Planning Is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
I learned long ago that strategically snipped hair isn’t the silver bullet to dingleberry remediation. Sensitive hair is programmed by its DNA to keep growing, so any dingleberry issue resolved by a pair of scissors or a razor blade will be short-lived. Those scissors and that razor blade will be called to duty (haha, no pun intended) many times over as you wade through life. Successful dingleberry remediation is a marathon, not a sprint.
You know what’s also a marathon and not a sprint? Retirement planning. Yep, like dingleberry removal, retirement planning isn’t a one-and-done proposition. You’re going to have to dedicate a certain percentage of your paycheck to retirement savings, and if you want to retire with dignity, this self-imposed austerity will need to last for several decades. Moreover, as the accumulation phase of your retirement planning winds down, you’ll have to shift to a more defensive posture and learn how to protect yourself from sequence of returns risk. Simply put, when it comes to retirement planning, you have to be engaged for the long haul. Much like you don’t want your colonoscopy to be marred by a drove of dingleberries, you don’t want your old age to be marred by a negligible nest egg. Be kind to your future self.
4. Retirement Planning Isn’t a One Size Fits All Proposition
There is no “right way” to do dingleberry removal. While baby wipes might work for you, shaving, mineral oil, or skateboard-assisted extraction might work best for me. And like successful dingleberry removal, there is no “right way” to reach your retirement goals. If you have a secure job in a financially strong industry, then the 401(k) route to retirement Valhalla is probably the way to go. But what if you don’t have a respected credential in the labor market (i.e., a bachelor’s degree) and you’d rather be your own boss? If this is the case, passive income via rental properties might be the key to your retirement plans. The bottom line is this: be wary of any huckleberry who claims he has the one and only answer to dingleberry removal or retirement planning.
5. Farming Out the Job Isn’t Always the Answer
Finally, did you know that nurses who excel at removing dingleberries from a patient’s butt are known as dingleberry slingers? I brought this up because we live in an age of hyper-specialization where the well-to-do are increasingly farming out life’s most most tedious and unpleasant chores.
On the dingleberry front, farming out or delegating dingleberry removal sure sounds appealing. But don’t go there. First, how much does a professional dingleberry slinger cost? Can you really afford $75-$100 a week just to keep your bum in a pristine condition? And if you go the non-professional route, can you really trust a family member, a friend, or even a trained pet to be as conscientious about your dingleberry removal needs as you would be? Remember: there’s no fiduciary rule for dingleberry slingers, be they professional, amateur, or four-legged.
And you know who else isn’t handcuffed by the fiduciary rule? Most of the yutzes in the retirement planning business. Yep, just like dingleberry removal, no one is going to care more about your retirement planning than you. So be wary, my friend. In a world of financial knaves—where boiler room scams, whole life ripoffs, commissioned-laced annuities, churning, and hidden fees (I’m looking at you, 12B-1 fees) lie in wait for the financially unwary—you’d be foolish to completely surrender your financial future to some “retirement specialist.”
Final Thoughts
Okay, groovy freedomist, that’s all I got. What say you? Is saving for retirement just like removing dingleberries from your ass? Or has this blog finally jumped the shark?
Two things. First, this post was an April Fool’s joke. April 1st is Sunday, after all. (Why did April Fool’s Day have to coincide with Easter this year!) Second, have a great Easter and a great Passover. Peace.
Haha – I just about spit out my coffee reading this.
Mr. Groovy – I don’t know where you get these ideas from, but keep em rolling!
Are you going to have a dingleberry chapter in your book?
O_O I think my toilet paper supply is pretty inexpensive and effective because…I never knew the definition of this…wonderful word. I wish the comparison wasn’t so beautiful so I can forget it. You definitely got #2 right!
“You struggle with water and soap in the shower but the dingle berry won’t behave.
and that means it’s time to get out the razor.
that’s right, your butt needs a shave.”
An appropriate line from those wizards of music, The Toilet Bowl Cleaners, in the not so creatively named “The DingleBerry Song”. Only to be mastered by their other timeless classic “The Diarrhea Bounce Back”
Speaking of “bounce back”, that is what you and I could do with rather sharpish in our investment portfolios, don’t you think? My portfolio is bloody haemorrhaging money (or should I say “hemorrhoiding”? ) today and it has nothing to do with Mrs. PIE’s penchant for trading highly leveraged micro-cap ETF’s over a few large gin and tonics.
Groovy folks, you are hitting new highs with this shit. When your ass is on the line, you deliver. A warm smile came over my dour Scottish face when reading this.
But wait, there’s more. Here is some additional bonus crap information for you: I had a room-mate at college when doing my Ph.D. Greg was his name. He often talked about his “tagnuts” or “winnets”, the term apparently used in Central Belt of Scotland for dingleberries. He was a charming chap none-the-less and still a good friend despite his fixation with tagnuts and winnets. Who knew that twenty plus years later I would be sharing this tagnut of information on a Personal Finance blog. Our lives move in mysterious ways and the older I get, the weirder it gets, I tell ya…..
Thank you both for the reminder to carefully check my…..ahem….portfolio tonight.
[PS – I will be over here more often when I retire June 1st. You have been warned. :>) ]
Mr. PIE recently posted…PIE Tunes: An Awesome Festive Medley to Warm your Savings World by the Yuletide FIRE
I guess I fall in the uneducated population when it comes to dingleberries, haha, but here is an article that talks about using a Roth IRA for retirement preparation! https://www.freedomwealth.org/personal-finance/2017/12/13/what-happened-to-the-golden-years
Indeed. Ignorance of dingleberries runs deep.
I like your style Mr. groovy; keep on educating!
Lol this post was ridiculous and hilarious, you’re going to start getting a lot of strange traffic from Google after this one haha 😛
Agreed, Matt. Not exactly what I intended to do, but if it opens our FI community to a broader if slightly weirder audience, I guess the damage to my reputation was worth it. We’ll see. Thanks for stopping by, my friend.
I just wanted to add another comment with the word dingleberries to help you out on Google. 😀
TJ! Please tell me you’re going to be blogging again. If my dingleberry post has rekindled your fire for blogging, then it’s one of the most important posts I’ve ever penned. Mrs. G and I have missed you, my friend.
The best backlink post ever. Tonya’s gotta love you even more now.
Happy Easter to you and Mrs. G!
At first I thought I was doing Tonya a favor. Now I’m not so sure. Being known as the inspiration behind the dingleberry post can’t be a good thing. Sigh.
It’s official, my friend, you and the Mrs. are the Beavis and Butthead of the FI blogger universe. My inner eleven year old couldn’t be more amused.
My wife (also an ER doc) was offered the opportunity to work a side hustle in a medi-spa run by one of the higher ups in her practice. We looked at the menu of services offered at the spa to get a sense of what she’d be expected to do, and they lost her at “anal hair removal.” Despite my entreaty that the rest of her life she could be known as the Queen of AHR, she passed.
I’m nominating you right now for the Poohtus awards. Because at Freedom is Groovy, sh*t’s getting real.
The Beavis and Butthead of the FI community…
Queen of AHR…
Nomination for a “Poohtus” Award…
Comment of the year, my friend. Thank you for your incorrigible wit.
Ummm… I might withdraw that offer to stay here! Hahaha you are too much. Happy Easter, April Fools, Passover, etc.
We knew we’d lose some subscribers of this post. But we had no idea we’d risk the southern hospitality of one of our favorite bloggers. Don’t worry. This is our last dingleberry post ever. We promise.
Bahaha, nothing like a little potty humor on a Friday! There are some very shocking similarities here…
Casual dress, happy hour, and potty humor–that’s what Friday was created for.
I think Mr. Wow is right, no one is going to read that bold line at the “bottom”. But you made it work, complete with GIFs. 🙂
Hope you and the Mrs. have a wonderful holiday!
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…Risk Tolerance and How It Leads You to Rewards
The cat GIF stole the show. What the heck was it thinking?
So I’ve tried to type so many comments… Classic is the only word to sum it up! And yeah, thanks for the coffee warning! Needed indeed!
In the words of Al Michael, “No words necessary.”
You know no one read that bold line at the bottom… Hahahha. This is fantastic!
I think the groovy ranch needs a dingleberry room. Like a mud room, with a bidet and a mirror on the floor. Could be a new trend in luxury home design!
Mrwow recently posted…The World Through the Lens of FI- Rap Edition
Haha! When I was younger, I scoffed at the notion of bidet. Now I see the merit. But I doubt the dingleberry room will soon displace the home theater in the fabled pages of Architectural Digest anytime soon. You’re a twisted soul, my friend. Now I know why everyone in the FI community loves Mr. WoW.
I just…I can’t. This is hilarious. The congruencies are alarming.
Dave @ Married with Money recently posted…The Definitive Best Way to Manage Money as a Couple
“The congruencies are alarming.” So true, my friend. And it makes me shudder.
Oh this is brilliant! And speaking of Fritz, forget chain gangs about drawdown strategies. A DB chain might be in order here 🙂
I think you’ve also nailed the Google search on “retirement planning dingleberries”. PhysicianOnFIRE will be jealous.
Haha! I just got alerted by Mystery Money Man that two of my geoarbitrage posts come up on the first page of a google search on geoarbitrage. Now if this post can come up on the first page of a google search on dingleberries, my site is sure to go viral.
Lol. Not sure what to say, but I think we can double you list of reasons:
6. Sometimes it hurts to do what you’ve gotta do
7. Ignoring it doesn’t help
8. I’d rather be dealing with others things
9. Nobody wants to do it for you (even a Slinger 😂)
10. Best not wait to deal with the situation
You’re a sick man, Ty. You’re also one of my favorite bloggers.
BTW I read blogs over breakfast so I’m still not sure how I was able to keep my oatmeal down. First, thanks for the shout out…uh, I think? ha ha! I could consider taking on a DB slinger as a side hustle, but on the other hand? No! Saving for retirement has been referenced as a parallel to many things…but this…this is a first! lol!
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…I Lived on an Average of $31,000 for 7 Years in Los Angeles
You will be forever known as the inspiration beyond the dingleberry post. Is that a badge of honor or a day of infamy?
You finally got around to writing this one! When it gets ranked in google for, “How to remove Dingle berries from your ass,” I hope you can enlighten alot of people with this problem to the ways of money mastery and financial independence. LOL
Haha! From your keyboard to God’s (i.e., Google’s) ears. I got to think this post will rank #1 on any dingleberry search. And wouldn’t it be great if this post opened the door to personal finance to all the confused and aimless males in this country aged 14 to 32? We may have stumbled upon a great way to enlarge our tribe. Have a great Easter, my friend. Cheers.
Quite frankly I’m terrified to type dingleberry into google. You are a braver man than I!
I’ve been working super-hard on a dingleberry post for a while. Now I have to scrap it Thanks. Thanks a lot. Sheesh
I love it. Between you, Cubert, Fritz, and Brian, my faith in the financial blogosphere has been restored. Who knew our community provided cover for so many twisted souls?
My vote is for jump the shark. Thanks for this being an April fools joke otherwise I was going to seriously have to question. Question what I don’t know, but question. Tom
Tom @ Dividends Diversify recently posted…Timeless Investing Principles
In the words of Boone from Animal House: “A new low. I’m so ashamed.”
I hope someday I can use the word dingleberries, in an article title too. I think you just stumbled on to a new chapter in your upcoming ebook. Thanks for the Friday, laugh!
Brian recently posted…The Hidden Costs of College
I like the cut of your jib. Here’s the new chapter nine in my book: The Intersection of Dingleberry Maintenance and Retirement Planning. We’ll see if my editor (Mrs. G) will allow it. Happy Easter, my friend. Cheers.
We can always rely on you for the classic white collar clean writing on early retirement. I’m going to go throw up my breakfast now. Thanks for the laugh!
Jason@WinningPersonalFinance recently posted…Interview With Dora DeLellis – Accountant, Financial Planner & Author
My humble apologies, sir. I’ll have to add a warning label to this post.
To prove Mr. Groovy is not the only deranged one in this duo I give you:
THE DINGLEBERRY SLINGER
Chocolate infused vodka
Club soda
Garnished with Whoppers (malt balls) and mini marshmallows
Mrs. Groovy recently posted…How Saving for Retirement Is Like Removing Dingleberries from Your Ass
I don’t know if I’d go there, Mrs. G. This could become the official drink at FinCon 2018.
If I don’t have one with you two…. I will be sorely disappointed.
Mrwow recently posted…The World Through the Lens of FI- Rap Edition
I can see you’re trying to appeal to the Colorado set with this post, eh? Dirtbag!
Funny sh*t, man. I will now cross off “dingleberry” from my list of future post ideas. Dammit. I cannot believe you grabbed it first. 🙂
Twisted minds think alike. Sorry I beat you to the punch. I’m sure your take on dingleberries would have been equally enlightening.
OMG. OMG. OMG.
I just bought http://www.TheDingleberryManifesto.com
Pure brilliance. Ironically, I read it while taking a dump. Really. How ironic is that?! Seems today’s the day to share TMI!
Aw, Fritz, my friend. You made my week. Mrs. G was in tears reading your comment. The sweet irony of it all. Now if I can get Tonya and JL to chime in, my work as a blogger will be complete. Happy Easter, my friend. Cheers.
lol!!!! And yuuuuuuck!!!!
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…I Lived on an Average of $31,000 for 7 Years in Los Angeles
My sincerest apologies, Tonya. This was no way to start a weekend.