I’ll never forget Denise. She was a fellow Highway Division employee who worked in the personnel office. And she was a classic bureaucrat—semi-competent, lazy, and way too complainy and gossipy.
I liked Denise. She had a wry sense of humor and wore these very cool vintage cat eyeglasses. And because I liked her, I had no problem coming to her aid whenever she asked for help. Over the years, I created a number of databases and spreadsheets for her that made her job easier.
Up until the end of my public service career, my relationship with Denise was one way. I helped her. She never helped me. And that was perfectly fine. I never thought she’d be in a position to reciprocate. But then I got stuck making sure the annual sweeping schedule got mailed to every residential home in our municipality. I won’t bore you with the details, but part of this assignment entailed manually sticking address labels on 80,000 pamphlets. Needless to say, I couldn’t do this by myself. So every day, five or six guys from our road crews were assigned to me, and the commissioner asked every office staffer to help me out whenever he or she had some spare time.
Okay, the first day of Operation Labels arrives and I set up the road guys with labels and pamphlets. I then get a box of labels and pamphlets and begin handing them out to the office staff. Everyone’s great. Everyone’s cooperating. But then I get to Denise. And she has a freakin’ attitude. Apparently, for the first time I’ve ever known her, she has some work to do that needs to be done immediately. So I told her not to sweat it. I gave her a modest number of labels and pamphlets and told her to get to them whenever she had a chance. Hell, I even said she could leave them until the following day.
On day two of Operation Labels, before I made my office rounds, I was intercepted by the commissioner and told not to bother Denise anymore with label and pamphlet duties. Apparently, she was inundated with work. I was pissed. She didn’t run to the commissioner because she had too much work to do. She spent half her day talking crap about other people. No, she ran to the commissioner because she was a lousy POS who thought sticking labels on pamphlets was beneath her.
I’m not going to lie. This hurt. I did a lot for Denise over the years. But when it came to the one time I needed her help, she couldn’t be bothered. I never spoke to Denise again.
Thank You from a Teat-Sucking Layabout
I relayed this pathetic story of workplace drama for one overriding reason. I want you to know that I am well acquainted with the downside of gainful employment. I know what it’s like to deal with jerk-ass coworkers, bosses, and customers. I also know what it’s like to deal with a jerk-ass commute. Many a day I have sat next to a smelly slob on a bus, suffered the indignities of a traffic jam, and received the middle finger from another driver because I was doing 65 in a 55/mph zone rather than 75.
“Okay, okay, ” I hear you blurting out. “You know works sucks. Congratulations. Where are you going with this?”
Here’s where I’m going. Monday is Labor Day, and this holiday now has a lot of meaning for me. Starting this year, I became the beneficiary of Obamacare. Yes, groovy freedomists, I’m a teat-sucking layabout. The taxpayers are picking up nearly 95% of the cost of my healthcare premiums. Their bill for this year exceeds $23K. And because the taxpayers are so generous—despite all the crap they have to endure at work—my life is incredibly comfortable.
Now, I want to do two things that you rarely see from teat-sucking layabouts. First, I want to say thank you to the taxpayers. America’s working stiffs sacrifice so much for me and they don’t even know me. I am truly humbled. Second, I want to urge the taxpayers to stop. Subsidies, whether they come in the form of Obamacare or not, shouldn’t be going to the well-off. They should be going to the poor and the working class. That’s it. If you’re a taxpayer, you likely have a job, and this means you have to deal with a lot of Denises. Don’t put up with all those jerk-asses to make my life easier. Put up with them to make your life easier. Tell your congressperson to stop Obamacare subsidies for the well-off. I won’t hold it against you.
Okay, groovy freedomists, that’s all I got. Have a great Labor Day weekend and enjoy the latest episode of Talking Trash. Cheers.
Oh, I almost forgot. I decided to enter this website for a Plutus Award. I’m going for the Funniest Personal Finance Blog. Is this blog funny? I don’t know. But it’s definitely weird. You don’t see too many blogs making personal finance points with the aid of Hannibal Lecter, Dean Wormer, cheesy 80’s music, classic American art, girlie magazines, phallic acronyms, sweet transvestites, and promiscuous people. So absent a Weirdest Personal Finance Blog category, I’m stuck with the Funniest Personal Finance Blog category. If you think I’m worthy of this honor, please click the link below. Thanks.