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Dead Phone Walking

Posted on by Mrs. Groovy

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For those of you who may not be familiar with Freedom Is Groovy and our story, Mr. Groovy and I are quitting our 9 to 5 jobs this week.

Edit: We quit our jobs on October 14, 2016!

He’s a dead phone walking. My work phone, or Mr. Phone as I like to call him, has lost numerous appeals and has not been granted a stay of execution. Death by lethal sledgehammer is scheduled for Friday at 4:31pm EDT, sharp. Mr. Phone requested three Slim Jims, a bag of Cheetos, and a bottle of Dr Pepper for his last supper. He vowed to sing “Amazing Grace” when his execution is underway. I, Mrs. Groovy, will carry out the execution, with Mr. Groovy as a witness. I expect Mr. Phone to show no emotion. And I will show no mercy.

Of the many crimes Mr. Phone has been tried and convicted, the most serious offense is: Aggravated assault on brain cells.  Other offenses include:

Aiding and Abetting Excessive Chit Chat

Disturbing the Peace

Criminal Trespassing on Private Property

Conspiracy to Take Up Too Much Space

As a telecommuter, my employer provided me with a land line, Mr. Phone. For ten years Mr. Phone has tormented me. His omnipresence in my bedroom puts a damper on every day. His installation caused the phone company to drill excessive holes in my wall that needed fixing. When Mr. Groovy and I put in wood flooring, Mr. Phone got in the way of the installation. Then he got in the way of the electrician we hired to get him out of the way—and the electrician nearly took out the entire local power grid.

Mr. Phone is also a loud static producer. During my weekly departmental calls I do pirouettes around my bedroom trying to get good reception. This excites Groovy Cat since he thinks the ultra long phone cord is his personal toy. I battle with a phone while fending off a cat so that I can get the latest updates on what’s happening in my organization (which doesn’t interest me in the least).

And then there are health issues. In addition to assaulting my brain cells, Mr. Phone gives me a crick in the neck during every phone call lasting more than five minutes—and YES, Ty @GetRichQuickish, I know there is such thing as speaker phone! But old habits die hard.

As for sleep—Mr. Phone has kept me up nights when I’ve forgotten to shut his ringer off. Must every European who has difficulty registering for a conference with my organization phone at 2 am?

Mr. Phone has also royally screwed me during long conference calls. For those marathon conversations I put Mr. Phone on mute in order to unobtrusively answer personal email and check FaceBook. On several occasions I’ve been engrossed in the latest Kardashian escapade, only to realize discussion has come to a dead halt. Then I hear someone say—

“Are you there, Mrs. Groovy?—Mrs. Groovy, what do you think? ”

“Shi*t!!! They’re waiting on me to say something brilliant!”

And try as I might, I can’t find the freakin’ button to unmute myself and join the conversation. While I frantically scramble, Mr. Phone watches passively with a sarcastic grin. And I know exactly what he’s thinking—he’s thinking “Maybe if you dusted me more often you might find the freakin’ mute button”!

Wanna hear how Mr. Phone plays tricks on me? He flashes familiar phone numbers across the caller ID screen and takes delight when I unwittingly pick up, and get assaulted by sales pitches. Fortunately, working from home allows me the privilege of hanging up on yammering salespeople without worrying about my boss bearing witness to my rudeness—except Mr. Phone happily points out my boorish customer service skills by memorizing each dang phone number. When I scroll through caller ID to find a phone number I need, I’m reminded of the imbeciles I put up with every day.

The execution will be carried out swiftly. Mr. Phone leaves no children or spouse behind, and he told his lawyer he has no last words he wishes to say. When he passes, he will join his siblings in hell or heaven—that’s not up to me. But I do believe he will end up in the same place as Mrs. FedEx Supplies—grand collector of dust mites, and Mr. File Folder—supreme keeper of useless paperwork.

Well my dearest Mr. Phone, it may be true that I would have had an easier time finding the mute button had I dusted you more often. But believe me—I have NO trouble finding the sledgehammer!

So dear Mr. Phone, let me ask you—are you sure I can’t get you anything more for your last supper to go with your Slim Jims, Cheetos and Dr Pepper? How about a nice big box of Red Hots candy?

And don’t forget to vote for our retirement theme song. Polls close Thursday at noon (EDT). Here again are the final nominees, ordered in their initial vote tally.

1. Born to Run, Bruce Springsteen

2. Already Gone, Eagles

3. It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere, Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett

4. It’s My Life, The Animals

41 thoughts on “Dead Phone Walking”

    1. Thanks, Lila. Woohoo! We drink wine. Mr. G prefers red and I prefer white. That’s why we often settle on vodka, or some crazy moonshine concoction.

      Reply

  4. Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Groovy! Enjoy your new beginnings – aka – retirement:)

    Let us what you actually did with Mr. Phone – a picture is a 1000 words 🙂

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Michael! Yes, we’ll definitely take a photo. I don’t know about the video some have asked for. Video may not be allowed at the execution.

      Reply

  5. Congrats on the milestone. Turning in my company cell phone that had been attached to my hip and kept under my pillow for the previous four years was the most exciting (yet bittersweet) moments of changing careers.

    Now I walk around with a dumb phone that I usually leave at the house and check it once or twice a day. I love it.

    Reply

    1. I can see how turning in the phone was exciting! No bittersweet moments here, though. Not with the phone, anyway. I love that you have a dumb phone! Thanks for your comment, Josh.

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    1. I totally shut my cell phone off at night but I just forget occasionally to flip the ringer on Mr. Phone. But that concern is disappearing!

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  8. Free Mr. Phone? I hadn’t thought of that. Nah, he doesn’t deserve it. The smashing is still on for Friday.
    Thanks for your comment, Gary.

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  10. haha. Awesome!

    Answering machines. Corded phones….. oh my goodness, don’t tell me that you still get a daily paper delivered to your doorstep?

    When you can’t find the keys to your car, do you look for them under your typewriter? 😛

    I keed! I keed! As happy as I am for you, I’m even more envious. CONGRATULATIONS on your early retirement and have fun beating the hell out of that phone! If you’ve got a YouTube channel PLEASE post the video for all of us to see. I’m hoping you yell at the phone through gritted teeth: “can you hear me now, *&$#!*

    Congrats again! BTW, I voted B – Born to Run!

    Reply

    1. I thought you might get a kick out of this, Ty. I really thought of you when I was writing, and how you would make fun of me.

      And wouldn’t you know, I had my very last departmental phone meeting today and my pirouettes were on high velocity! I could barely make out a word. But no one asked if I could hear them.

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      1. I’ve performed many a pirouette at home. Usually in front of my office window where the signal is strongest.

        I have a picture in my mind of your routine, then you going for that mute button with lightning like reflexes; like an an alarm clock snooze button early in the morning, you can get to it fast enough.

        It was a fun post to read. 🙂 Congratulations again. I’m really happy for you!

        Reply

    1. Thanks, Chris. This girl from Brooklyn curses a lot herself but I’m not sure Mr. Groovy or I could choose a song with those lyrics. Dang, I’m showing my age again!

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  12. You didn’t go with Neil Young and Rockin in the Free World or Skynyrd Free Bird? Of the ones you got listed I’d go with Already Gone – as those of us who do this tend to mentally fixate on it for a long time while working…

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    1. I mentioned Free Bird to Mr. Groovy but he had veto power. As long as I got It’s My Life in the mix, I’m good. You’re right about Already Gone. I’ve been gone for months.

      Thanks for stopping by our blog – just looked at your Twitter profile. Love it!

      Reply

  13. Congratulations! This was a fun read 🙂 As others have mentioned, my first thought is the office space printer scene. I know it’s not on the list, but my vote would be “Still” by Geto Boys.

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    1. Thank you Mr. CK! Some posts are hard to write but this one just poured right out of me. I must have had a lot of pent up animosity.

      I just watched the scene – too funny.

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  14. Aw, poor Mr. Phone… Like others, that printer smashing scene from The Office was the first thing that popped into my head. “PC Load Letter?! What the F does that mean?!” 🙂

    Enjoy the smashing of the phone and the last few days at the office!

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    1. I still don’t know what PC Load Letter means! Oh I plan on getting much satisfaction out of the smashing of Mr. Phone. Thanks for the good wishes, Mr. SSC.

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  15. Oh, poor little phone. A sorry end to an illustrious career. The line cut short with merely a beep

    Let Adele sing it out to you ( with some modified lyrics, courtesy of Mr. PIE) in a song from her classic telephone jingle “Hello”

    Hello, can you hear me?
    I’m in Finanancial Independence dreaming about who we used to be
    When we were younger and (not) free
    I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

    …..

    Hello from the happy side
    I must have saved a thousand times
    To tell you I’m happy for the investing I’ve done
    But when I call you never seem to be home

    Very, very best wishes for Friday and beyond. So happy for you both.

    Reply

    1. I’m showing my un-hip self all over the place here, but I had to go YouTube the Adele song too! WTF – we really are old. And it was the most depressing video ever! I like your lyrics MUCH better, Mr. Pie.

      Thanks for the good wishes and your creative touch!

      Reply

    1. Mr. Phone is a ten year old contraption. Unfortunately for him he’ll have an early death.

      Already Gone and It’s My Life are only a few points behind Born to Run. We’ll see how it shakes out. Thanks for commenting and voting!

      Reply

    1. Oh, Fritz, I thought you and I were on the same wave-length but now I see Mr. Groovy thinks even more like you. He wanted me to write “Die, Bastard” at the end but I opted for being more subtle – something I’m not often accused of. Thanks for siding with him. 😊

      Reply

    1. You know, what I’m about to say has been discussed on posts and in comments on other blogs. But I wouldn’t have accepted a cell phone from my employer. That’s tantamount to being kept on a leash. It wouldn’t have been worth it – not for this position anyway.

      I haven’t given much thought to broadcasting the execution. It might be too grizzly a scene. Thanks for commenting, Brian.

      Reply

    1. Thanks, FP. Now that I’ve just viewed the scene I can see the connection! Although I don’t think I’m feeling quite that hostile. Besides, Mr. Phone will probably explode with just one whack.

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    1. Thanks, FTF. Awwwright. I have to admit it right here since you were the first to mention it – I had NO IDEA what y’all been talking about with Office Space. I had to go look at the clips on YouTube. Funny stuff.

      Reply

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