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I’ve moved back home with mommy and daddy three times in my illustrious career as an adult. Once after college, once in my mid-30s to save for a downpayment on a house, and once more recently to await the construction of Groovy Ranch. So I know a thing or two about moving back home. I know what works and what doesn’t work. And if you listen to me, I can make your return home a very fruitful endeavor. With that said, here are my ten rules for moving back home.
Be Ashamed
You moved back home because you, in one way or another, screwed up—you chose a stupid major in college, married the wrong person, sought refuge in some wretched vice, or pretended to be rich and bought things you couldn’t afford. How you managed to humble yourself financially is actually immaterial. The point is you did, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Why? Because your parents don’t have unlimited resources. Money that could be going towards their needs and wants (e.g., downsizing, a dream vacation, increased retirement savings, etc.) is now going to save your sorry ass. So you better feel shame. And you better make a sacred vow to redeem yourself. That’s what honorable people do.
Count Your Blessings
A studio apartment in a decent area of Raleigh, North Carolina rents for $767 a month. A studio apartment in a decent area of San Francisco rents for $2,305 a month. Whether your parents live in a low-cost city or a high-cost city, moving back home means reduced living expenses.
Reduced living expenses, in turn, mean opportunity. Moving back home in Raleigh easily frees up an extra $900 a month to attack credit card debt or student loans. In San Francisco, you’d have an extra $2,500 to attack your financial woes.
Don’t blow this opportunity. Realize you’re incredibly fortunate and dedicate yourself to exploiting it.
Never forget You’re a Freeloader Who Needs to Walk on Eggshells
Minor children have a legal and moral right to live in their parents’ home. You don’t. You’re only there because of your parents’ benevolence. And this benevolence can be rescinded without warning and without cause.
Because you have no legal or moral right to live in your parents’ home, you better be walking on eggshells. Just what that entails will be explained in the bulleted points below. For now, though, just remember that your time back home needs to be an unequivocal net benefit for your parents. You don’t want your parents looking back at your boomerang stint and thinking, “that was a giant freakin’ mistake.”
To make sure this happens, I want you to do two things:
- In addition to paying any rent your parents establish, insist on paying one additional bill. Cable, phone, internet, water, gas, electric, or landscaping—I don’t care which one you pick. Just pick one and pay it.
- Pick either the kitchen or a bathroom and give it a good cleaning once a week. Those rooms suffer a lot of wear and tear and assuming responsibility for the cleanliness of either will be a godsend to your parents.
Keep It in Your Pants
Do you think your parents want to come home and find you exiting the shower with your lover? Do you think your parents want their sleep interrupted because you’re swinging from a chandelier with your lover in a nearby bedroom? They don’t. So under no circumstances should you be fornicating in their castle. If you want to fornicate, get a hotel room, get naked at your lover’s castle, or better yet, clean up your financial mess as quickly as possible and get your own castle.
Don’t Give Your Parents Extra Work
Your parents didn’t allow you to move back home because they wanted extra work. They did it so you could right your financial ship. So make like your parents’ abode is Burning Man whenever you exit it or a room inside of it—leave no evidence that you were once there. Here are some examples of what I mean.
- Make your bed as soon as you get up.
- Squeegee the shower stall and de-hair the drain after every shower.
- Wipe the bathroom vanity top once a day.
- If you’re sharing a bathroom, keep your bath towel and your toiletries in your bedroom.
- Do your own laundry and fold your own clothes.
- Do your own dishes.
- Never defile the common areas with clothes, dishes, leftovers, or garbage.
- Turn off lights and electronics you aren’t using.
Neither a Critic nor a Complainer Be
Moving back home will mean having several housemates (e.g., parents and siblings). Your housemates, in turn, will have some habits and preferences that you will find extremely disagreeable. Too bad. Keep your mouth shut. You have no right to critique or complain about anyone’s lifestyle. Remember: You’re a freakin’ freeloader. Your housemates don’t adjust to you. You adjust to them.
Have a Clear-Cut Financial Goal
When I moved back home the second time, my goal was to save $20,000. The year was 1996 and I figured $20,000 would be enough to cover the downpayment and closing costs for a one-bedroom condo.
My assumption proved correct. In 1998 I bought the one-bedroom condo that would generate a quarter of a million-dollar profit eight years hence.
Prior to 1996, I never saved $2,000, so saving twenty grand was an audacious goal. But I did it in relatively short order. Why? Well, moving back home surely helped. Not paying rent for nearly two years does wonders for one’s finances. But I could have just as easily used my improved finances to go on a consumption bender. No, the reason I saved $20,000 was that I had, for the first time in my life, a clear-cut financial goal. And that clear-cut financial goal gave me focus.
The surest way to have a successful boomerang experience is to have a clear-cut financial goal. It will change everything in your financial life for the better. As Jordan Peterson keenly observed:
“You’re an aiming creature. You look at a point and you move toward it. It’s built right into you.”
Pursue Your Financial Goal with Gazelle-Like Intensity
Pursuing your financial goal is your number one priority—not dating, not boozing with your friends, and not jetting off to Vegas for some R&R. Now, I’m not saying you can’t have fun. An occasional movie or night out with friends is perfectly fine. All I’m saying is that the vast bulk of your spare money should be earmarked for your financial goal. If more than ten percent of your spare money is going to fun, you’re not only failing to pursue your financial goal with gazelle-like intensity, you’re taking advantage of your parents. And that’s not cool.
Have a Definitive Launch Date Not too Far into the Future
Freeloading for six months equals an enjoyable boomerang experience. Freeloading for six years equals a miserable boomerang experience. To be fair to yourself, and your parents, you need to strike a reasonable balance. You need to give yourself time to reach your financial goal, but you also, out of respect for your parents, need to leave as soon as possible. You don’t want to become “the thing that wouldn’t leave.” Here, then, are the Groovy guidelines for choosing an appropriate launch date:
- Anything less than a year is optimal.
- One to three years is okay, but you’re pushing it.
- Beyond three years is a crime against humanity. You’re turning into a world-class moocher.
Never Leave the House without Asking Your Parents If They Need Anything
Your parents let you move back home because they want you to succeed. And all they really want in return for their undying love and support is a little appreciation. So this is what I want you to do. Whenever you leave the house, and your parents are there, ask if they need anything. Nine times out of ten they won’t. But ten times out of ten they’ll feel appreciated. And that’s the least your sorry, freeloading ass can do.
Final Thoughts
Okay, groovy freedomist, that’s all I got. What say you? Would following these ten guidelines for moving back home make for a very constructive boomerang experience for all concerned? Or am I missing something? Let me know what you think when you get a chance. Peace.
yes….as the parent of 2 adult kids…YES. I have a college age son still living here (lives here to save money while in college…should come out with no loans). The 25 year old married son has bought a home. I would always welcome them back, but there’s a difference between when you are a child and when you are an adult living in your parents home.
“[T]here’s a difference between when you are a child and when you are an adult living in your parents’ home.”
Nailed it. I don’t think our society does enough to stress this essential point. You turn 18 and your responsibilities and expectations change dramatically. Thank you for your keen insight, and thank you for teaching this to your sons. I love it.
When you change context, it’s relatively easy to ditch old habits and pick up new habits. The new environment has a whole slew of triggers for which you’ve not yet created habits. It’ll be important to not slip into kid-habit when you return to kid-land. The discomfort of boomerang existence may be used to trigger egotrage and frugality habits. Simple things like recording every expense, creating a budget, and tracking progress toward a financial goal can be triggered by elements of the parents’ house. Vegging in the basement may be part of your kid-years, but it has to be eschewed during your boomerang-days.
“It’ll be important to not slip into kid-habit when you return to kid-land. The discomfort of boomerang existence may be used to trigger egotrage and frugality habits.”
I love this angle. I didn’t explicitly make these points in my ten bullets, but they were lurking in the penumbras. You’re the man, my friend.
Me like.
In all seriousness, my wife and I moved back into her parents’ house for 10 months while we built the house we live in now. This is because I quit my job and was changing careers.
I couldn’t have afforded what turned into an 8-month period of inconsistent income (my wife worked part-time as well) if we still had to pay rent.
Yes, we were embarrassed to move back home as we chose not to have total self-reliance during that time. But we had an exit plan before I turned in my two weeks notice. And we followed through with moving back out.
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I love it. And I’m sure your wife’s parents loved helping you out. The key is that you and your wife aren’t bums and you had a plan. As long as one is earnest, as long as one tries, one will garner fans. People are wired to cheer a good redemption story. Bravo, my friend.
Hmmm…
Should I send this to the boys???
Maybe I’ll bookmark it, just in case. 🙂
I don’t know, FDJ. Your boys struck me as model boomerangers. But a little boomerang guidance never hurts.
this is great stuff, mr. groovy. bring back shame. not all shame is horrible and there are different degrees of it. my mom let us stay with her a month or two when i left new orleans and looked for an apartment in upstate,ny around age 32. i felt shame, like being in the penalty box of life.
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“I felt shame, like being in the penalty box of life.”
I love this analogy. Properly warranted shame accompanied by a properly weighted stint in the penalty box of life is how we improve as human beings. Great freakin’ comment, my friend.
That was awesome, after reading dozens of posts about choosing to move back home as if were a unilateral choice finally you put this in perfect perspective. Bless you again Mr. Groovy, tellin it like it is!
Thank you, Steveark. My goal was to get parents and boomerangers thinking. If done with a little mindfulness, a boomerang situation can be a benefit for all concerned parties.