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I didn’t get married until I was 40 years old. This was largely because of rampant bigotry in the dating world. I grew up on Long Island where a sizable portion of the eligible females in New York City, Nassau County, and Suffolk County were non-white (roughly 40 percent). And many black, Hispanic, and Asian women wanted nothing to do with a white dude.
But wait, it gets worse. My prime dating territory was Nassau County. Nassau County, in turn, was roughly 16 percent Jewish, and a lot of Jewish women wanted nothing to do with the goyim. Throw in lesbians and white female swirlers and it’s a wonder I got married at all.
Reality Check
Okay, let’s get real. Discrimination had nothing to do with my failure to get married before 40. While I was growing up, there were roughly 5.4 million females combined in New York City, Nassau County, and Suffolk County. Not all of those females were eligible, and not all of them were age appropriate. Let’s for argument’s sake say that only 20 percent of those females were eligible and age appropriate. If that’s the case, there were roughly 1,080,000 potential mates for me to woo. Some of those roughly one million potential mates, as already pointed out, wanted nothing to do with a Christian white dude. But many black, Hispanic, Asian, and Jewish women did. And an overwhelming percentage of Christian white women certainly did. My guess is that roughly 80 percent of those potential mates were perfectly okay with a Christian white dude. This means my pool of potential mates was roughly 860,000.
The main reason I didn’t get married until I was 40 was because I was a grade-A asshole in my teens and for much of my 20s. I didn’t begin to really de-asshole myself until my early 30s, and I didn’t completely de-asshole myself until my late 30s. (Haha! Mrs. Groovy may vehemently dispute my contention that I was no longer an asshole by the time I reached 40.) My biggest problem, then, wasn’t that 20 percent of my potential mates wanted nothing to do with a Christian white dude. My biggest problem was that upwards of 90 percent of my potential mates wanted nothing to do with an asshole. Once I de-assholed myself, I had all the opportunity I needed.
Victim Mentality Defined
For the purposes of this post, you have a victim mentality if you…
- Obsess over the few who do and will treat you poorly and ignore or discount the great many who don’t and won’t.
- And you use the existence of those few bad actors to rationalize your failure to do anything that might better yourself and your circumstances.
I never had a victim mentality when it came to dating. For whatever reason, I never expected every eligible female out there to give me a fair shot at her heart and her velvety treasures. [Mrs. Groovy here. Oh, God. Really?!!!] I did, however, have a victim mentality when it came to work.
For 21 years I worked for a very dysfunctional highway department in a very dysfunctional municipality. Not only did they both provide bad service, but they were both run like its leadership (i.e., commissioners and politicians) went to the Johnny Friendly School of Management. If you wanted to get ahead, you had to pay tribute to the Republican Party—the party that ran my municipality for nearly the entire duration of my public service career.
On the other hand, New York City’s government, or at least one aspect of it, anyway, was run much less like a mob-controlled union. I know this because a good friend of mine was hired by the New York City Fire Department in 1985, a year before I was hired by my dysfunctional municipality. And as I languished in my public service career, he flourished. At the ten-year point of his career, he was a captain running a firehouse. At the ten-year point of my career, I was shoveling asphalt and scraping dead animals off the road. Now here’s the kicker. My friend’s rise was predicated on competency and promotional exams. That’s it. He didn’t have to pay tribute to whatever party was in power in NYC to get ahead. All he had to do was be great at his job and study his ass off.
Quick aside. My friend is now a battalion chief. From what I can gather, that position is upper-level management, just a couple of notches below the commissioner class. And again, he got to that level by being great at his job and passing promotional exams. No tribute was ever necessary to the party in power.
Now, my friend was smarter and more disciplined than I was. So it’s understandable why he achieved more on the career front than I did. But he wasn’t that much smarter and more disciplined. And it just burned me that he was managing a New York City firehouse and I was picking up dead animals.
So what did I do?
Did I consider trying to find a more enlightened employer of dead-animal picker uppers (i.e., low-skilled labor)?
Did I consider upping my skills so I had more options other than being employed by a dysfunctional municipality?
Did I even consider playing the Johnny Friendly game and start to purchase my advancement?
No, no, and no. I did however become obsessed with the injustices perpetrated by my dysfunctional municipality. “Why couldn’t my municipality be more like the FDNY?” I often groused. “Why couldn’t I take tests to get ahead?” “Why did I have to kiss Republican ass in order to get ahead?”
I responded to the injustices of my dysfunctional municipality with a classic case of victim mentality. All I did was complain about “the system” and mock the political toadies in my department. I certainly didn’t play the political game—that would be too demeaning to someone with my “rarefied virtue.” I certainly didn’t take stock of all the other employers in my midst and give one of them a try—that would have taken me out of my comfort zone. And I certainly didn’t buckle down and hone my human capital—that would have required too much work. Nope, all I did was rail against the evil Republicans and rationalize my unwillingness to take any constructive action that might advance my career (“I’m too old to learn new skills,” “I don’t want to jump ship and start all over again at some different outfit,” “I’m not going to waste my time getting really good at my job when the only people being promoted are the politically-connected bootlickers”).
The Good News
The good news is that shortly after I passed the 10-year mark in my public service career, something clicked. It suddenly dawned on me that railing against people and things I couldn’t fix was a colossal misuse of my mental bandwidth. It was far more honorable and potentially more fruitful to fix myself and take advantage of whatever opportunities I happened to see or unearth. In other words, I dropped my victim mentality and started to de-unskill myself and de-excuseify myself.
And just like when I de-assholed myself, once I completely de-unskilled myself and completely de-excuseified myself, opportunity started to abound.
Here are three concrete ways I de-unskilled and de-excuseified myself during the second have of my public service career.
- I discovered Access databases and dedicated myself to becoming a kick-ass database developer. Every night I spent at least an hour honing my VBA and SQL skills.
- I stopped complaining and gossiping at work. I ain’t going to lie. This hurt. Complaining and gossiping was my way of dealing with all the clowns and jokers that besieged my workplace. But complaining and gossiping is like sugar. It feels good in the short run but is ruinous in the long wrong. You are what you repeatedly do. Complain and gossip a lot and you’ll be a petty person. Remain above the fray and you’ll be a consequential person.
- I eventually got over myself and started playing the Johnny Friendly game. This was especially true in the three years prior to Mrs. Groovy and me leaving Long Island for Charlotte, North Carolina. Yes, it was demeaning. But it mainly entailed buying tickets to Republican-sponsored cocktail parties and golf outings. And since I didn’t have to go to these cocktail parties and golf outings (I donated the tickets), the demeaning factor was bearable.
Now, I’m not going to overwhelm you with the details of how the second half of my public service career changed for the better. Those details are fodder for a future post. I will say this, though: It’s amazing what competency plus affability plus a little payola can do for one’s advancement in a dysfunctional municipality. It’s also amazing what the first two components of my self-improvement strategy—being extremely competent at a valuable skill and being exceedingly affable—can do for one’s advancement in the private sector. I learned first hand upon arriving in Charlotte that there are no shortage of employers who value those two qualities and are willing to treat those who have them very well.
Getting All the Opportunity You Need
Okay, let’s wrap this up in a nice little package. Here is the Groovy two-step way of getting all the opportunity you’ll ever need.
First, never forget that in the key areas of life—family, health, housing, education, employment, happiness, and love—there are far more good actors than bad actors. Don’t let the bad actors discourage you. Ignore them with extreme prejudice and give the good actors a chance.
Second, the best way to give the good actors a chance is to fix yourself. I gave open-minded potential mates a chance by de-assholing myself. The result was marriage to the fabulous Mrs. Groovy. I gave more-enlightened bosses and employers a chance by de-unskilling and de-excuseifying myself. The result was a tolerable end to my public service career and a fabulous ten-year run during my brief private-sector career.
Final Thoughts
That’s all I got, groovy freedomist. What say you? Is my definition of the victim mentality legit? And more importantly, I believe that opportunity abounds in this country. As long as you fix your mindset and fix yourself, I don’t care what hardship life has slapped your face with, you’ll have all the opportunity you’ll need. Is that belief legit? Or is it more of my alt-FI bullshit. Let me know what you think when you get a chance. Peace.
Did you forget to put “Trigger Warning” in the title of this post? Its so rare to get views like this from the FI community and we could definitely use more of it. I can practically see the smoke coming out of the ears of Tanja(ournextlife) and Frugualwoods from here. 🙂
I would love to know how many comments and emails you have to delete telling you that you “need to check your white privilege” and that you are a part of the patriarchy. Keep up the awesome work!
Haha! Wait till Tanja and Mrs. Frugalwoods find out about my MAGA apparel in my Etsy store. But in all seriousness, I’m far too insignificant in the personal finance space to warrant a smackdown from Tanja and Mrs. Frugalwoods. If I ever make it in the FIRE world, though, I’m sure they’ll have something to say about my twisted worldviews. Thanks for stopping by, my friend. Cheers.
My experience has been more white dudes complaining about how “it’s the hardest thing to be a white male in America, I can’t get a job or get into a college because of my race and gender” Really they also ought to get rid of their victim mentality and stop making excuses for their failings in life, no?
The fact that there are no white males running around trying to implement or hold onto affirmative action laws kind of blows your theory out of the water, no? 😉
Agreed. If white dudes are saying they can’t get ahead because of discrimination, they’re wrong. If a white dude with, say, a 1400 SAT score can’t get into the Ivy League, there are plenty of excellent colleges that won’t hold his skin color against him. You don’t need an Ivy League education to do well in this country. Likewise, if a white NYPD lieutenant is denied a captain position because the promotional exam he aced was thrown out by a judge (the judge didn’t think enough black NYPD lieutenants passed the exam), there’s no reason why he can’t build wealth with a lieutenant’s salary. Lieutenants in the NYPD make fine money. So I can see white dudes complaining about anti-white discrimination. In fact, I can see non-white dudes and dudettes complaining about anti-white discrimination as well. Lawful discrimination against anyone should be an affront to all if we truly want to live in a country where people are judged by the “content of their character.” But white dudes complaining about “the system” holding them back won’t get sympathy from me. White dudes don’t need our elites to like them in order to work hard, avoid the hamster wheel, and save money. The victim mentality is not flattering apparel regardless of who adorns it–and that includes white dudes. Thanks, Ravi, for reminding us that the victim mentality is an insidious vice that affects all.
Complaining is always easier than fixing the problem, but in most situations, I think you are right that when you fix yourself, opportunity abounds. I’m glad you opened yourself to such great opportunities, both in your occupation and your spouse! A negative mindset holds far too many people back.
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…Your IRA RMD – What You Need to Know About Required Minimum Distributions
“A negative mindset holds far too many people back.”
Wow, Gary. I’ve been thinking about this possibility for a while now. And it seems to me that a lot of people fall into a negative mindset because other people tell them that the world’s against them. And this may be so. The world may actually be against them. But most of the time I fear it’s just an opinion. So I wish more people would test things out for themselves rather than relying on the received wisdom of others. Banks, for instance, may not want to give mortgages to black people. If you’re a black person, don’t assume this is true, find out yourself. Save 20 percent for a down payment on a house you like, and get an 800+ credit score. Then go to a bank and try to get a mortgage. If the received wisdom is correct, you won’t get a mortgage but you’ll have a great lawsuit against the bank. If the received wisdom is wrong, you’ll get a mortgage. Either way, you’ll win. The point is that someone else has to defeat you. You’re never going to defeat yourself by not even trying. Thanks for stopping by, my friend. Always a pleasure hearing from you.
I think saying you have all the opportunity you need is probably painting with a broad brush. There are people with disabilities that keep them from working or keep them from working jobs with decent wages. There are environmental factors that keep people down.
But for the average guy or gal on the street? Yeah, there are more opportunities than we like to give credit for. It’s a lot easier to complain and see the advantages that other people have without taking a hard look at our own options. I exercised one very large option (divorce) recently, and I expect it will have a huge (positive) impact on my finances over time. It was something I didn’t want to consider an opportunity, but it was there (and in the end was the right choice for me) and I was choosing not to take it, while complaining bitterly about the disadvantages my marriage to a spender brought. Not that I’m advocating divorce here or anything. Just pointing out that sometimes the opportunities in front of us aren’t the ones we can see ourselves taking. Doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
“I think saying you have all the opportunity you need is probably painting with a broad brush. There are people with disabilities that keep them from working or keep them from working jobs with decent wages. There are environmental factors that keep people down.”
Couldn’t agree more. Exceptions matter. I got to do better pointing this out in the future. Thanks for interjecting some needed balance, Abigail. You’re the best.
From Victor Frankel to velvety treasures… I’m trying to better understand this groovy man’s particular search for meaning.
I love the way you think, my friend. Sparks fly that leave me alternately indignant and smiling.
Thanks for that.
CD
Crispy Doc recently posted…Re-Solve
You’re about as wacky as Mr. Groovy, Crispy Doc!
Mrs. Groovy recently posted…You Have All the Opportunity You Need
The feeling is mutual, my friend. Except the indignant part, of course. You’re a much more caring and thoughtful soul than I. I shoot from the hip a little too often. But thankfully I have blogger friends like you who kindly but firmly get me back on the side of polite company. Cheers.
I’ve talked myself blue in the faith, but my wife has been excellent at pointing out the “inner victim” in me.
It’s almost always easier to blame others for our own shortcomings, but owning up to the truth sooner instead of the later I’m realizing is better for everyone.
Looking forward to reading your future fodder on this topic.
Josh recently posted…6 Tempting Money Traps to Avoid When You’re Debt-Free
“It’s almost always easier to blame others for our own shortcomings, but owning up to the truth sooner instead of the later I’m realizing is better for everyone.”
Truer words have rarely been spoken. Here’s one for you Josh that riffs on your insight. Shortly after I de-unskilled myself and de-excuseified myself, I started de-hiding from my mistakes. Whenever I screwed up on the job, I went to my supervisor and told him or her. I didn’t try to cover it up or hope it would go unnoticed. I manned up, so to speak. And I was fully prepared to take my lumps. And you know what happened? Nothing. That’s right, my supervisor never punished me for fessing up to a mistake, regardless of how grievous the mistake was. All he or she would do is ask me how I was going to fix it and what I was going to do to make sure it didn’t happen again. I can’t say for sure, but I actually think that by admitting to my mistakes garnered me more respect. Well, anyway, that’s my two cents. Thanks for stopping by, Josh. Great freakin’ comment.
Wow, what a post! I really enjoyed it. It’s pretty amazing you turned it around. Lots of people would keep complaining and never get on the right track. Great job.
I was a jerk in my 20s too. I assume most guys are. Luckily, Mrs. RB40 stuck with me and fixed most of that.
Thanks, Joe. I definitely lucked out. And I don’t recall exactly what I read that helped me flip the switch. I think it was “Man’s Search for Meaning,” but I could be wrong. And I total concur with you when it comes to wives. Choose the right one and life gets infinitely better. Looks like we both chose wisely. Cheers.
The Johnny Friendly game. I watched the clip and it had been a while since watching that classic movie, so I looked it up to refresh my memory. Yeah, Terry pays Johnny for a while, but in the end, he speaks out and testifies against him, taking a major risk of his life and work.
Having read Tonya’s comment, both your post and her comment get me thinking about when to “behave” and accept politics and workplace shenanigans and when to speak out, or move on to another job. I think both call into question the building of our character, and that is the key point you are making here. Right on to both you and Tonya.
Thanks, Susan. Isn’t Tonya great? I truly admire her perspective. Not only because it’s usually right, but also because it makes me think. And I love “On the Waterfront.” Easily one of my top ten movies of all time. One of my favorite scenes is when the mob loan shark tells a group of dock workers that they’ll all be very sorry when he’s gone. One of the dock workers then says: “Why don’t you drop dead right now and test your theory.” Great freakin’ stuff.
Love it Mr. Groovy. Grab your life by the horns and take control! It’s all on you.
Thank you, Kevin. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you stop being an audience member and start being a show. Daily horn grabbing is the perfect prescription for success. Love the way your mind works, my friend.
First off I loved the “velvety treasures” line. Literally laughed out loud and Mrs Groovy’s interjection only aided to the amusement factor.
It is true that you end up becoming what you portray. If you play the victim card you will always be relegated to the role of victim.
Rise above the injustice you see (easier said than done) and you can make substantial progress to turn into something you want to be.
Xrayvsn recently posted…When You Play The Game And They Change The Rules
“Rise above the injustice you see (easier said than done) and you can make substantial progress to turn into something you want to be.”
Beautifully said, my friend. I’ve been thinking along these lines for a while now. Definitely fodder for a future post. But it’s an awesome philosophical question. At what point does injustice relieve you of any responsibility to do something constructive with your life? To put this in context, I often think of family members who were born with severe mental infirmities. Right from the moment they entered the world, the injustice of nature decreed that life would always be a struggle for them. They will never be able to making something out of their lives. They will always be dependent on their parents. Now take an inner-city kid who grew up in a single-parent home and went to crummy schools. Is the man-made injustice suffered by him or her more devastating than the nature-made injustice suffered by my family members? And if it isn’t, can we legitimately give him or her a pass for being no more productive and independent than my mentally challenged family members? Wow, my head is spinning. Thanks for making me think, Xrayvsn. I love the way your brain works. Cheers.
That really is some deep level thinking.
Being in the medical profession I unfortunately have witnessed some awful things patients and family members have been dealt with. Some through no fault of their own but direct fault of their parents (crack babies, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc). Their lives will be an uphill battle from the moment of first breath.
And then I see some people who are given every gift in the world like beauty or elite athletics or voice and they throw that all away with drugs and alcohol. They don’t know what a gift they were given and how even if some of that talent could have been averaged among few people how lucky the recipients would have felt.
I look forward to the post you can create from my initial comments. I know it will be a great one
Xrayvsn recently posted…Buying a Home After a Divorce
Thanks for the additional reply, Xrayvsn. Very sobering. I can only imagine the man-made horrors you’ve seen. My sister was a sonographer at a county hospital for a few years. She really saw the ugly side of the human condition, what horrible things some women do to their unborn babies. She eventually couldn’t take it anymore and moved on to another profession (real estate). What does more to cripple a newborn’s life chances? Mother Nature or Mommy Dearest? Damn, my head’s starting to hurt. No one ever said it was going to be easy solving world problems. Cheers, my friend.
I can’t stand victim mentality. I didn’t let my kids develop it and I sure as heck don’t let my students get away with it. Drives me crazy!!
(And…um… creative use of adjectives when talking about women!!! Loved Mrs Groovy’s reaction!)
I knew there was a reason why I liked you FDJ. A pox on the victim mentality. And all hail the creative use of adjectives!
You can’t choose what happens to you but you can choose how to react to it. And the victim mentality is not the best way to react. Great post
Dave @ Accidental FIRE recently posted…I Got Let Go From My Job But I Had A Good Run
Amen. No one’s expecting those who were dealt some pretty shitty cards at birth to become a financially independent millionaires in their 30s. But what about such people achieving financial security in their 50s or 60s? And what about making sure they model great social and financial behaviors so their kids have a better shot at life? Is this asking too much?
I agree with you there is much missed opportunity because people lack confidence and aren’t well liked by their coworkers. While I did not work for a government entity because I felt it would limit my compensation and opportunity to advance, I suspect the way to maximize a career is the same there as in the private sector. You have to be so good (skilled)your supervisor fears life without you, and you have to be admired and well liked by almost everyone you work with. Skills and like-ability worked for me.
Steveark recently posted…How a Billionaire Saved my Career
I love it, Steveark. Skills and like-ability are two potent qualities to have. Here’s another one that comes in handy. Develop a knack for automating, and thus complicating, the major parts of your job. In my last job, I had to deliver a Medicaid file every business day to the state of Louisiana. Anyway, I put together a VBA application (Access front end, SQL Server back end) that automated most of the steps needed to create this file. All told, there were over 100 queries and functions in my app. Now here’s the kicker. When my company closed down the Charlotte office and moved everything to Dallas, it couldn’t let me go. It had to let me remain in Charlotte and work from home. Nobody knew what the hell I did to create this critical file! My company eventually figured it out, of course, but it took the developers in Dallas nearly three years to do so. Thanks for stopping by, my friend. It’s always a pleasure hearing from you.
That’s very cool, I did something similar, sort of. It was the early days of PC’s before even Apple and IBM sold many but we had a $20,000 Hewlett Packard computer that they had no idea how to program. I wrote the code to automate all the engineering calculations they were doing by hand. It made me “the guy”. Pretty cool to share a technique with Mr. G!
Steveark recently posted…How a Billionaire Saved my Career
Wow, that’s great, my friend. What was the code written in? Fortran?
I would say that I agree with your definition of the victim mindset – it typically stems from a handful of bad experiences and/or people. I’ll also add that it is a way of seeing the world with lack: “Why not me? When will it by my turn? You’d be sorry if you were me.”
When I got sober and vowed to change my mindset, someone pointed out how selfish the victim mindset truly is. They asked me in my self pity, who was I focused on. Of course the answer was me. The solution became to focus on others, of course, after I healed and reconciled with my past.
Cheers, Mr. G!
Deanna recently posted…Why We Need Community – a Tribute to CampFI Southeast
“When I got sober and vowed to change my mindset, someone pointed out how selfish the victim mindset truly is. They asked me in my self pity, who was I focused on. Of course the answer was me. The solution became to focus on others, of course, after I healed and reconciled with my past.”
Holy, crap! This is why I have an utterly wholesome man-crush on you and your blog. You are a font of wisdom, my friend. Thank you.
You must know that when I first read your reply I didn’t realize you were quoting me back and I was all like, “OMG, Mr. G got sober too??” Haha!
I am humbled at that. Thank you!
Deanna recently posted…How to Develop an Emergency Plan Before Having an Emergency
LOL! Sorry I threw you off. But I did have a drinking problem for about 13 years (17 to 29). I guess technically I wasn’t an alcoholic. I didn’t drink at home by myself. I mainly drank Friday and Saturday night in bars. And I drank a lot. I never just had a couple. I finally woke up after side-swiping a tree with my car one night. From that point on, my drinking career was basically over. I still drink. But on most occasions, it’s just one beer or one glass of wine. If I go wild at a wedding or some special event and have three beers, I’ll have a wicked hangover in the morning. I’m officially a lightweight now. Funny, when I was younger, I didn’t think you could have a good time unless you consumed alcohol. Now I’ll go weeks without having a drink and I’m loving life. Ah, with age comes wisdom.
You are a wise soul! Yep, I’m liking this wisdom thing that comes with age; the wrinkles not so much. 😉
Deanna recently posted…How to Develop an Emergency Plan Before Having an Emergency
Velvety treasures? Did you REALLY write that? You crack me up, Mr. G. On a serious note, you’re spot on with victim mentality. Too many folks suffer from it, when their real focus needs to be inwardly focused. The USA is called the Land Of Opportunity for a reason. Too bad most folks seem to forget that fact..
Haha! I didn’t think “velvety treasures” would slip by Mrs. Groovy’s equivalent of the Hays Commission, but for whatever reason it did. Does that now mean I’m officially the Mel Torme of blogging? And you are so right about America being the land of opportunity. The cool people, of course, disagree. They equate opportunity with social mobility. It never dawns on them that no amount of opportunity will help the downtrodden if the downtrodden refuse to shed the subprime culture they’ve adopted. Yeah, do shitty in school, smoke a lot of weed, have a couple of kids out of wedlock, and then blame “the system” for holding you back. Yep, makes sense to me. Thanks for stopping by, my friend.
i have been in this big conglomerate for 15 years. it pays well but i’ve always been overqualified. i went for about 10 different promotions that went to less skilled colleagues and sometimes to complete dolts and dildos. i refused to play along. once i decided to just do the job and hand and get the money it’s been a better life. stop worrying about it and concentrate on outside interests while giving them what they pay for but limiting the extras i have in reserve. fast forward to today and i could stop if i wanted to but choose to report to my cushy landing stop. it’s not the best way but it’s my way and i didn’t have it in me to play the other game.
freddy smidlap recently posted…The Financial Commandments for a Young Employee – Part 4
LOL! “…[C]omplete dolts and dildos.” I know that species well. The politicians and commissioners who ran my municipality had an unbelievable number of misfit relatives. I’ll never forget one fellow. He really was a nice guy, but he couldn’t write a simple declarative sentence if his life depended on it. He was hired as an assistant deputy commissioner at a starting salary of $90K. And this was back in 2004. Today’s, he’s probably making between $140K and $150K. Oh, and by the way, in the movie, “On the Waterfront,” the guys on the docks talked a lot about being “D and D.” Only their D and D stood for “deaf and dumb.” I like your D and D better. Thanks for stopping by, my friend. Cheers.
I’ll have to come back and re-read this, because my mind just keeps going back to “velvety treasures” and I can not stop laughing.
But seriously, you hit the nail on the head that having a victim mentality is the quick road to a hateful life of going nowhere.
Thanks for writing!
“Having a victim mentality is the quick road to a hateful life of going nowhere.”
Very well put, cee_elless. And sadly I was dangerously close to going that route in my public service career. But I was thankfully reading a lot around the 10-year mark in my career, and something I read convinced me to get my mind right. It may have been “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. Well, whatever book it was, it set me on the right path. Thanks for stopping by, cee_elless. Awesome comment.
Great article! I’ve never liked the victim mentality either, but from time to time have thrown myself a pity part. Luckily I regroup fairly quickly. I often wonder where the line is, and more importantly, where to cross it, when it comes to things you do see as perhaps not fair. For instance, at what point did someone step up about discrimination in the work place, or harassment, or protecting someone who is gay or has disabilities. Someone had to fall on the sword. I am torn between playing politics and keeping the peace, versus fighting for what I know is right. I guess there is a time and place for everything? Still, it all comes down to making the most of the circumstance you are in and owning it!
Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…Call it a Midlife Opportunity, Not a Midlife Crisis
Oh, man, what a great comment! On the one hand, discrimination is an unavoidable part of the human condition, and is often benign or legitimate. I have no problem with a female-only gym or a black woman who only wants to date black guys. I also have no problem with anyone who mistrusts car salespeople and avoids high-crime areas at night. Human beings aren’t X-Men or X-Women. They can’t read minds. If they never discriminated against anyone ever, they’d be much poorer financially, emotionally, and physically. They might even wind up dead. On the other hand, however, we’re well aware of the discrimination that isn’t so benign and legitimate. And that’s when we have to wrestle with our consciences. Would you patronize a Christian bakery if it refused to make a cake for a gay wedding? Would you travel to a country in which gay marriage was unlawful and gays were treated like crap? Would you go to a college that discriminated against white and Asian applicants? Would you participate in a march for women’s rights if the organizers of the march said anti-semitic things in the past? In my government job, I only saw discrimination against the non-political. If you didn’t kiss Republican ass, you weren’t going very far. But as long as you were political, regardless of your race, ethnicity, or gender, you got ahead. And that kind of discrimination–Johnny Friendly discrimination–didn’t bother me. It annoyed the crap out of me, but it didn’t rankle my conscience. Hmmmm. I guess I’m okay with discrimination if it isn’t based on the accident of one’s birth. I got to ruminate on this thorny issue some more. Thanks for making me think, Tonya. You’re the best.