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Our politicians suck because they’re paid to suck. Crony capitalists and crony socialists shower our politicians with legal and illegal bribes, and our politicians return the favor by showering our crony capitalists and crony socialists with welfare and privilege.
But what if our politicians weren’t paid to suck? What if we the little guys could out-lobby our crony capitalists and crony socialists and pay our politicians to be great?
I know what you’re thinking. Mr. Groovy has completely lost it. How can we the little guys ever out-lobby our well-heeled and well-organized crony capitalists and crony socialists?
Well, fortunately, I haven’t completely lost it. We can pay our politicians to be great, and it won’t cost us any upfront money. All we have to do is institute incentive-based government. Reward our politicians with very handsome bonuses and campaign contributions if they meet benchmarks that truly promote the general welfare. Here’s an example of what I mean.
The Carrots
All members of Congress and the president shall be rewarded the following bonuses and campaign contributions every fiscal year the following performance benchmarks are met:
| Metric | Benchmark 1 | Bonus 1 | Campaign Contribution 1 | Benchmark 2 | Bonus 2 | Campaign Contribution 2 |
| Unemployment Rate | <5% | $500K | $25K | <3% | $1M | $50K |
| Inflation Rate | <2% | $500K | $50K | <1% | $1M | $100K |
| Budget Surplus | >$0 | $500K | $75K | >$50 Billion | $1M | $150K |
| Manufacturing Jobs | >15% of all jobs | $500K | $100k | >20% of all jobs | $1M | $200K |
| Births to Unwed Mothers Excluding Babies Adopted | <20% of all births | $1M | $250k | <10% of all births | $2M | $500K |
The above incentive plan certainly looks outrageously expensive. But in the scheme of things, it’s a pittance. If all of the second benchmarks were achieved in a given fiscal year, every member of Congress and the president would receive a six-million dollar bonus, and a one-million dollar campaign contribution. Five hundred and thirty-six times $7 million equals $3.75 billion, and $3.75 billion is less than one-tenth of a percent of the federal taxes collected in 2024.
The Stick
If Congress produces two consecutive fiscal years of deficit spending, or if Congress produces two fiscal years of deficit spending during any four consecutive fiscal years, all members of Congress seated for any time during that spasm of profligacy shall forfeit their right to run for re-election or hold any federal office or government position, or run for any state or local office, or hold any state or local government position. Such members may finish their terms. But once those terms are finished, they are barred from working in any government in the United States or its territories.
Final Thoughts
We the little guys could easily pay our politicians not to suck. But it will never happen. And it won’t happen because we suck as well. We don’t care about liberty. We don’t care about honor. All we care about is getting as much welfare and privilege as we can out of our corrupt politicians. In other words, we are just as petty and shortsighted as our crony capitalists and crony socialists.
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